Am I About to Hurt My Kids?

My first marriage began two days after my twenty-first birthday. Young and in love, I ignored many of the warning signs that sometimes whispered, sometimes screamed that walking down the aisle wasn't a good idea - for me or for her. Divorce paperwork was filed within five years, and (since my ex-wife and I don't have any children together) we haven't really spoken since.

It takes two to make a marriage work, and (frequently) it takes two to cause it to fall apart. This was the case for us. Mistakes were made by each party...both of commission and omission...and those mistakes ultimately led to the demise of a covenant that was intended to last a lifetime.

When going through the separation, not once did I ever think, "How am I going to explain this decision to my future kids?" Truthfully, the idea wasn't on my radar screen. But now, happily remarried and with two amazing children, I've been wrestling regularly with how and when to tell my boys about the divorce. And, candidly, I'm scared.

I'm scared they might think "God hates divorce" means "God hates dad."

I'm scared they might question why their mom was my second choice. 

I'm scared they might wonder if one day I will "divorce" them too. 

I'm scared they might assume the same things about divorced people that I once did. 

I'm scared they might follow in my misguided footsteps someday.

I don't want to hurt my kids, but I know that (at least in some small way) this revelation likely will. However, it's an admission that must be made at some point. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to say to them or how I'm going to say it. But, whenever they're ready (and whenever I muster up the courage), I hope to help Jeremiah and Elijah understand a few things.

1. God hates divorce. Not divorced people.  In fact, it's because of God's unfailing love for us that he hates the things that were never intended to be a part of his perfect design. (John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.") 

2. The adjectives we put in front of the word 'sin' are irrelevant.  In fact, the only word that matters when it comes to our sin is his grace. (2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”)

3. Patience is the cure for temptation.  In fact, one of the greatest dangers in life is proceeding without praying. (Mark 14:38 says, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”)

4. While we learn from our mistakes, God forgets them.  In fact, God promises to give us a second (and third and fourth) chance to make a first impression. (Hebrews 8:12 says, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.")

5. Our imperfect past doesn't ruin God's perfect plan.  In fact, the difficult lessons learned in our past often reinforce the beauty of God's plan. (Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.")

I hope and pray that my two boys will not just listen to my heart, but truly hear it. The challenge is going to be pushing through the terror (and the tears) long enough to teach.

Why Flowers are a Lousy Gift

Okay, that's not completely true. Women, especially, love flowers. However, when it comes to long-lasting, life-changing, get-em-out-of-the-house-before-it-burns-down kind of gifts, a bouquet of roses from 1-800-FLOWERS probably isn't going to make the cut.

Every once in awhile, it's important to take it up a notch. To borrow the title from a best-selling book, we need to move from "good to great" in the gift giving department. And, in my experience, every great gift has four components.

1. They make SENSE. They fill a need, want, desire, or longing. In the movie Hitch, Will Smith's character took his date not to a movie or a restaurant or a bowling alley, but to Ellis Island. Generations before, this girl's great-grandfather got off the boat at Ellis Island and signed the welcome book. The trip, despite a few missteps, made perfect sense. (Surprising your husband with a TV on Super Bowl weekend or your wife with a trip to her childhood home also make a lot of sense.)

2. They involve SACRIFICE. Not just money, but time, energy, comfort, etc. A young boy was once asked by doctors if he would be willing to donate blood for his sister who was very sick. He was told it would help save her life, so the boy agreed. After the transfusion he asked his parents, "Am I going to die now?" This young boy thought he was giving up his life for his sister, not just some of his blood. His sacrifice (or willingness to sacrifice) made his gift remarkable. (Any time you give up something important to you for the sake of another person, your gift has more weight to it.)

3. They are SPECIAL. Special means unique, rare, hard to find, or custom. You probably can't find a truly "special" gift at Walmart or Target. NASA astronaut Mark Kelly had his wife's wedding ring inscribed for that very reason - to make it uniquely hers.  On the inside of the band it says, "You're as close to heaven as I'll ever get." Wow. (The fireplace mantle at our house is special. We got it from a North Carolina flea market on our honeymoon, and there's not another one exactly like it in the world.)

4. They have a STORY. When the gift (or the method by which the gift was obtained or given) has a story, it lives on. Think engagements. Even bottled water and coffee packaging tells the story of where it was gathered and how it was brought to Starbucks especially for you. (Oftentimes, doing a great job on numbers one through three automatically lead to a story worth telling.)

Can flowers ever be a great gift? Well, take time off work (sacrifice) to pick a fresh bouquet (special) from the field behind your house (story) and surprise her on the anniversary of your first kiss (sense)...and you'll have your answer.

Freedom Means Not Disagreeing With Me

Since the very founding of our country, America has been fighting for freedom. Freedom for ourselves. Freedom for slaves. Freedom for Vietnam. Freedom for Iraq. The list is long.

For the most part, history has proven democracy to be a good thing. A noble cause. A system worth fighting for. And so, we fight. Or, at the very least, we push really hard.

Egypt, however, presents a dilemma. Having been ruled by President Hosni Mubarek for thirty years, the people of Egypt have had enough. Despite Mubarek being an ally to the United States, he is a dictator - rigging elections, censoring citizens, and imprisoning people indefinitely and without reason. It's no wonder that the Egyptian people want free and fair elections. They want to choose their own representative government. They want the values that America has espoused for more than two hundred years.

The tragic flaw with democracy is that it is based on the assumption that the majority is right. It suggests that whatever 51% of people decide to do is best. Obviously, that's not always true. (Hitler, while not part of a democracy, had a LOT of support.)

Unfortunately, in the case of Egypt, encouraging free and fair elections could very well be encouraging the election of a government that wants to wipe America off the map. Many of the opposition groups rioting in Cairo (including the Muslim Brotherhood) aren't exactly going to be sending us flowers anytime soon.

How sold on freedom are we now? Has America truly been trying to free other countries and people groups from tyranny, or have we simply been attempting to ensure that the world agrees with us and falls in line with our thinking? Up until now, the United States has permitted, and even subsidized, President Mubarek's rule in Egypt in exchange for suppressing Islamic militants there and keeping peace with Israel.

Is that freedom for Egypt? No. Is that fortuitous for America? Yes.

Christians have been fighting freedom battles of our own recently. We've pushed for prayer in school. The Ten Commandments in the courthouse. A nativity scene in the public square. The list is long. However, we're starting to realize that the very freedom we're fighting for could very well destroy the environments we've been working so hard to create.

Prayer in schools means rolling out your prayer mat at lunchtime just as much as it means bowing your head at graduation. Wearing a cross necklace (Christian) is the same as carrying a dagger (Sikh). Putting Jesus in the manger is the same as hanging up the Star of David. Christians enjoyed our freedom mainly because we were fortunate enough to not have anyone else exercising theirs. Now, we're not so sure.

In truth, we're not waging a political argument, but an ideological one. One that we want to benefit us as Christians, but no one else. Unfortunately, we can't have it both ways. Freedom is freedom, and that freedom must allow for people to be wrong - even in large numbers. And even when we don't agree.

The Bible says that Israel was expecting a king or a warrior to save them politically, but they got Jesus instead. Rather than wearing a crown of gold, He wore a crown of thorns. Rather than riding a mighty steed, He rode a lowly donkey. He didn't demand anything of anyone, He died for them instead.

Jesus was a relational Savior, not a political one. He came to change hearts, not laws. To offer freedom of choice, regardless of what that choice was.

Take It God, I'll Be On the Couch

On Facebook the other day, a friend of mine was lamenting the news that social security is dangerously close to bankruptcy. The first three comments on her status were, essentially, the same: "I'm trusting God to supply my needs, that's all I can do."

It's interesting that so many of us, including me sometimes, talk about trusting God when it comes to things that we really see no urgency in...yet don't show that same "trust" in other, more pressing areas of life. I'm assuming those who commented on my friend's post have jobs. If God is to be trusted, shouldn't they wait on their couch for God to provide? I'm assuming they go to the doctor when they're sick. If God is to be trusted, why not just lie in bed?

The Bible certainly tells us to trust Christ. Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Yes, there are times when we are asked to sit tight and simply wait on the Lord. However, the very next verse (Proverbs 3:6) tells us that trust is often exhibited by action. "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Those words seem to indicate motion, movement, and momentum.

In other words, we must let God guide us as we do something. God used Noah to save civilization by building an ark. He used Moses to free the Israelites from slavery in Egypt. Could He have done these things by Himself, sure. But He didn't.

There's an old story that tells of a man who was stuck on the top of a house during terrible flooding. He prayed over and over again for God to save him. "I trust you Lord.," he said. "Please rescue me."  An hour or so later, a boat came along offering him a ride. "No thanks," shouted the man. "God will save me."  Later that evening a helicopter flew overhead. The man waved it away, insisting that it was God who promised to take care of him.

Eventually the flood waters got too high, and the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God, "Why didn't you save me? You promised to save me." And God said, "I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

Is God asking each of us to get involved in politics, start a non-profit, or join the neighborhood watch? No. But, chances are, He's not asking you and I to just sit around either - waiting for Him to magically wipe away the problems of the world.

My fear is that, all too frequently, when we say, "I trust God to take care of this situation," what we really mean is "I trust God to take care of this situation using somebody else."